Monday, January 7, 2013


I may look calm and focused at my favorite cafe this morning, sitting in muted sun, hazelnut latte at my elbow, typing away.

But within this heart is a different scene entirely.

We went to look at apartments today, Aimée curious and observant, Andrew asking questions, weighing options, taking notes, filling out information cards. And slowly I moved from a place of excitement for our future, dreaming of possibilities... to cowering in uncertainty.

Our current home with all it's cozy nooks and memories, it's cheery habits and music feels too safe and certain to leave. What if I can't make this magic in another space? What if it doesn't feel like home after months of work? What if that weird smell each new location has can't be changed no matter how much I bake and scrub? Without the rhythm of sun rising across familiar trees, two white ducks swimming below my window, what will I build the day on? Confidence stripped away, all I'm left with is a tangled mess of my own insecurity and fear of the future.

I know where to turn in times like these. As cold anxiety climbs up my leg to make a nest in my head. Friends and family can sympathize but only Jesus has had a finger on the pulse of my life from the beginning and knows how unspeakably precious home is to me.

You may see God as frightening in stern disapproval or distant and cold. But in my experience He is a refuge from inner storms. The ideal counselor, He understands the significance of my inner turmoil and can calm me like no one else. He also doesn't hesitate to give me the hard truth, to advise the very thing I don't want to consider...

Surrender. Once again this theme enters my small world; this time surrender to the unknown of where and what our home will be. Surrender to all I can't guarantee. After all, home has never truly been about the visual. Home is the expression of what is within me, making it's way out in a hundred little ways.

Hesitantly I move forward into whatever our next step will be, mind soothed and centered.  

Because I have finally let go.